July 4th represents the freedom that both citizens and non citizens have who live in the United States. Our forefathers fought politically and militarily to give us this freedom. Many men and women, prior to our existence, made various sacrifices to allow us to have the freedom we now enjoy. Even those in this country who live in poverty enjoy a level of wealth and freedom unheard of or undreamed of in other parts of the world.
Freedom is a human need, not a want. A need! Freedom is defined as the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint.
We all have more control of our lives than we realize.
There are 2 types of control; internal locus of control and external locus of control.
A person with an internal locus of control believes that he or she can influence events and their outcomes, while someone with an external locus of control blames outside forces for things that go wrong. This concept was brought to light in the 1950’s by psychologist Julian Rotter.
A person with an external locus of control is more likely to believe that his or her fate is determined by chance or outside forces that are beyond their own personal control. This strategy can be healthy sometimes. Like when dealing with failure or disaster, but can also be harmful in that it can lead to feelings of helplessness and loss of personal control. It is clear that we need to focus as much as we can on our internal locus of control.
Here’s my question for you this month; What can you do this week to have more freedom?
Have you ever been stuck between at least two different positions and felt paralyzed and unsure what to do? I know I have. Tony Robbins once said that being indecisive is emasculating. Most decisions can be reversed but we’re so afraid of making the wrong decision that we don’t do anything. Once we make a decision, we are automatically free.
There are three main pillars that I help create with each of my clients;
1) We build a relationship and trust. I help awaken them by joining in the truth.
2) We create meaning from whatever is going on with ie. where did this come from?
3) I help clients learn new ways of being by teachnig them skills and encouraging them to take action.
Being asked powerful questions by someone who cares can cause a major shift in one’s thinking and doing which can enhance all three of the above sections. When coaching or counseling clients who are stuck, I often ask powerful questions that require a thoughtful answer instead of a yes or no response, a question that prompts the person being asked to feel inspired. Here is an example; “What is the most honorable thing to do in this situation?” Deep down, when we ask ourselves that question, we know the answer.
Recently. I was working with a young man who, after 6 years, was deciding whether or not to leave his girlfriend or propose to her to get married. We had six sessions in which our discussions focused primarily on how my client could not make a decision. I was starting to get a bit frustrated as I did not think I was helping this client move the needle. I reviewed some coaching techniques in between sessions and came back with a different focus and strategy for our work.
In our next session, I really drilled down with my client and talked to him about honor and asked him what he thought was the honorable thing to do in this situation.. He concluded that leading his girlfriend on was not honorable. Staying with her but being unfaithful was dishonorable. Committing 100% to the relationship was honorable. Also, letting his girlfriend go if he truly did not love her was honorable as it would then allow both of them to heal and find themselves and eventually find a partner if that is what each of them wanted. Two sessions later, my client told me he was ready to propose to his girlfriend. He was saving money for an engagement ring! All along, Tom had the answer inside of him. He just needed support and to be chalenged a little so as to help make a decicion.
In my own life I have received quality coaching and counseling that helped me get unstuck. Every decision we make has a consequence. It will open one door but close another. I found it helpful for myself to keep the faith, trust myself and use supports. “Closed doors are a test of our faith. Keep moving forward, being your best, living with determination and faith. When you do, you’ll see amazing changes all around you.”
A couple of weeks ago, I ran the Falmouth Road Race for a charity, the American Red Cross. I had thought about doing this race for several years but kept procrastinating or psyching myself out. I would say things to myself like “7 miles is too far. The drive to the Cape is too far. If I run for a charity, I’m not good at raising money, how will I do that?”
This year was different. I decided to commit myself to doing this and seeing the results through. I had a great time! There were people there to support me. I raised a little bit of money for the charity, and the weather was great. It felt gratifying running down the roads and up the hills, seeing people on either side of me cheering us runners on. I listened to music as well, which enhanced the overall experience. I felt connected with my Higher Power. I felt both blessed and grateful.
Is there something you would like to try but have held off from doing? I have learned personally and professionally to try to honor these urges. Just do it. This is important for us to stay young in our minds and souls. What works for you?
Many of my clients have gone through dark times. My job is to help them feel hopeful and inspired. To walk them through those dark clouds and step into the sun. One sure fire way is to get physical and keep moving. Another way is to become grateful.
Last month, John Bradshaw died. He was the author of #1 New York Times Best Selling Book, HEALING THE SHAME THAT BINDS YOU, It was written years ago with millions of copies sold and is still selling more than 13,000 copies every year. In it, Bradshaw shared his struggles overcoming an abusive childhood and his own battle overcoming alcohol addiction Back in early 2014, my friend Martin gave me this book as I was going through my separation and impending divorce. He offered the book without me asking his help. Martin offered what he could. This is what good friends do. From reading this book along with several other personal development and healing steps, I realized I had nothing to feel shameful about and not nearly as much as I should of in terms of what to feel guilty about. Whatever I do wrong, I apologized and tried to make changes. Shame means I am bad. Guilt means I did something bad. Big difference. Shame is debilitating but guilt serves a purpose; it can cause us to make necessary changes in our behavior and become better versions of ourselves. A sure fire sign of pathology in a person is when he or she assumes no personal responsibility for his or her behavior and who does not have the capacity to feel guilt at all. “Shame is the motivator behind our toxic behaviors: the compulsion, co-dependency, addiction, and drive to super-achieve that breaks down the family and destroys personal lives. It limits the development of self esteem and causes anxiety and depression, and limits our ability to be connected in relationships.” Many of my clients are professional males who feel both guilt and shame. As a result, many of them turn to drugs, alcohol and or pornography. However, these activities perpetuate guilt and shame. One of my clients, “John”, a successful architect who had been divorced, had a recent series of unhealthy relationships with women including one who was unfaithful to him and treated him poorly. As a result, John was turning more to alcohol and porn as a way of coping with feelings of both shame and guilt. During their arguments, she often framed their problems as it being John’s fault. This caused John to increasingly doubt himself and feel both guilt and shame. He was starting to wonder if the failed marriage were all his fault and as a man was he unable to make and keep healthy relationships with women. I helped John sort out what was going on and eventually John was able to set boundaries and eventually ended the relationship. During our work, I recommended the Bradshaw book which he did read and did find useful. At the conclusion of our work, John reported having more peace of mind, less guilt and no shame. At our work’s conclusion, John was dating again and feeling better about himself. The work of John Bradshaw has been a great catalyst for many to overcome their pain and have happier futures.
Prior to switching to full time private practice in 2011, I worked full time for 5 years at Saint Elizabeth’s Medical Center in Brighton, MA. I was both privileged and blessed to work with talented people and directly influence the quality of lives of the outpatient clients, the detox patients and the loved ones of these addicts. It’s this last part of my job that I became increasingly interested and passionate about. In my time private practice, I have continued to have this interest and passion. I will frequently use the word addict through this article to describe anybody who is actively drinking or drugging. I am not referring to the person is working towards getting better mentally, physically and spiritually. The following is a retooled version of a handout I created and passed out while working at the hospital;
How can loved ones of addicts make things worse? Loved ones usually have the best intentions. However, their approach to assisting the addict is often misguided. Two buzzwords to describe this are codependency and enabling. If a person is codependent with the addict then his or her identity is wrapped around the illness, making it difficult for both parties to have healthy separation and growth i.e. the spouse who is the caregiver and chief target of abuse by her husband. Enabling an addict unknowingly makes it easier for the addict to continue to use alcohol or other drugs. We all learn by natural consequences. When enabling takes place, natural consequences are missing and learning opportunities are lost.
How can loved ones transcend from codependency and enabling?
Here are 3 of the most common types of enabling;
The Silent Sufferer i.e. letting the addict steal money and not calling the police, looking the other way and hoping that this will change on their one. They don’t.
The Messiah or Savior i.e. making excuses to others for the addict, doing the addict’s chores, setting up treatment, paying for it and driving the addict around even though the addict is resisting every step of the way. Free housing and financially supporting the active addict are 2 more examples.
The Conspirator i.e. buying alcohol and or other drugs for the addict so as to keep him happy and comfortable. Using substances with the addict is another example.
Ultimately, as I see it, there are necessary 2 goals to have and work towards;
1) Become loving and supportive but from the sidelines and let the costs or natural consequences, which are learning opportunities fall onto the addict and not you.
2) Reclaiming the loved one’s self esteem and identity
The following are ways to do that;
* Al Anon; 1-508-366-0556
* Codependent No More book by Melody Beattie
* Marriage and Family Therapy; check http://www.mamft.org for MA providers
* Section 35; legal tool requiring addict to get into treatment, check with your local courthouse for more details
* Learn2Cope.org; support group and website
* Families Anonymous.org
* Coda.org
* Facing Codependence book by Pia Mellody
* Don’t Let Your Kids Kill You by Charles Rubin
* Addiction Recovery: A Family’s Journey by Diana Clark (Author)
Empowering people to be more resilient and hopeful is my passion. I am a graduate of Boston Latin Academy high school. I also have an undergraduate degree in Criminal Justice from Southern Vermont College and then earned a graduate degree (M.Ed.) in Rehabilitation Counseling with a certificate in advanced graduate studies (CAGS) in Mental Health Counseling at UMASS Boston. I have been a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in Massachusetts since 2004 and a Licensed Alcohol and Drug Counselor in Massachusetts since 2008.
Empowering people to be more resilient and hopeful is my passion. I am a graduate of Boston Latin Academy high school. I also have an undergraduate degree in Criminal Justice from Southern Vermont College and then earned a graduate degree (M.Ed.) in Rehabilitation Counseling with a certificate in advanced graduate studies (CAGS) in Mental Health Counseling at UMASS Boston. I have been a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in Massachusetts since 2004 and a Licensed Alcohol and Drug Counselor in Massachusetts since 2008.