This past Tuesday evening, June 29th, my maternal Aunt Norma died in a hospital at the age of eighty nine. She was surrounded by family, including her loving and devoted husband Sonny, her three children, her sister (my mother), two daughters-in-law, my wife Julie and two nephews (including me). As the day began, we all knew that the end was near. Aunt Norma’s health had been declining for sometime. Julie and I were fortunate to visit her a couple of weeks before her passing and had a very touching visit where we were able to converse with her and comfort her.
Tuesday evening was different. As we entered the room, Aunt Norma’s pulse rate and breathing were slower. She had a fever and was heavily medicated. As the afternoon went on, her breathing slowed more and more. We were all able to touch her and speak loving words to her before she passed away. Afterward, there was comfort given to the immediate family, especially Uncle Sonny. A few of us prayed. Eventually everyone left. When Julie and I went to my car, we discussed the realization that neither of us had seen a person die in front of us. Given our spiritual practices and beliefs, we knew that we had experienced something truly special; Aunt Norma’s soul left her body and went to heaven. It was a sad but truly profound moment that we both experienced.
I am once again reminded how precious life is. We are all born as babies and if we’re fortunate enough, live to a good old age. Aunt Norma was a dear aunt to me, and loved by many others. Whenever I was with her, Aunt Norma was smiling, laughing, or saying something humorous. She was a devout Catholic and had a wonderful marriage to Uncle Sonny. They knew each other for about seventy years. In the days ahead, he will need some support. We will pray for him and visit when we can.
When my father Angelo died after having a prolonged illness in October of 2017, a very kind colleague gave me a booklet called “Gone from my Sight: The Dying Experience” written by Barbara Karnes, RN. My colleague found it comforting in a time of grief when her brother died unexpectedly and she thought to share it with me. The booklet was comforting, and one poem within it helped me make more sense of my father’s passing and where he was headed. I reviewed it again after Aunt Norma passed away. Here it is below;
I am standing upon the seashore.
A ship at my side spreads her white sails
to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean.
She is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch her until at length
she hangs like a speck of white cloud
just where the sea and sky
come to mingle with each other.
Then someone at my side says:
“There, she is gone!”
“Gone where?”
Gone from my sight. That is all.
She is just as large in mast and hull and spar
as she was when she left my side
and she is just as able to bear the load
of living freight to her destined port.
Her diminished size is in me, not in her.
And just at the moment when someone at my side says:
“There, she is gone!”
There are other eyes watching her coming,
and other voices ready to take up the glad shout:
“Here she comes!”
And that is dying…
—Henry Van Dyke
Rest in peace my dear Aunt Norma. Please give my dad a hug for me.
“Gratitude is the fairest blossom which springs from the soul.”
—Henry Ward Beecher
At no other time in the history of the United States have we had as many distractions, with 24-hour news cycles, and social media, and impeachment hearings, and… With all of this going on, it can be difficult to feel grateful or garner a moment of peace.
On the other hand, Americans enjoy a standard of living never experienced before in our country. We have low unemployment and a strong economy. Even our poorest have more than those in third world countries. Also, at this time of year we are reminded about brotherhood and charity, reaching out to those who are alone or in need. Let’s not forget, too, that in the Christian tradition we are preparing for the arrival of the birth of a child named Jesus. Those who are strong in faith around the world can find a special comfort at this time of year. When we are struggling to feel grateful, if we take a breath and realize all the good we have in our live, despite whatever turmoil may be going on around us, we will find there is always something to have gratitude for. We must hold on to that. The more we focus on gratitude, the more it will grow.
If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto the mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.
—Matthew 17:20
There is a dark and light side to everything. Is the cup half empty or is it half full? When I work with my clients, I introduce the concept of being consciously grateful as a strategy to help quickly change their perspective.
Here’s a quick exercise;
Within the next 60 secoonds, write down as many things in which you are grateful for. Now stop. How do you feel?
Sports can be a wonderful venue in which we can learn about human behavior at it’s best and sometimes at it’s worst. On the field, We get to see athletes perform at peak levels. Off the field, we can hear them speak in front of the media. It allows us to see and hear the mindset of a professional athlete. I have always enjoyed listening to elite athletes speak because they seem to be able to put the past behind them quickly especially if the past was not impressive i.e. errors and losses.
One of my favorite athletes is Rob Gronkowski, Patriots tight end. “Gronk” as he is often called, did not have a good season statistically by his Hall of Fame standards. Perhaps injuries were a factor. Perhaps he is getting older and slower. Perhaps he is is getting double covered more. Most likely it is a bit of all of the aforementioned.
In the recent game against Kansas City, prior to the Super Bowl. Gronk had a very good game, filled with timely catches and blocks helping the team win.
After the game, Gronk was asked about his season, his team, his performance and the future of the team in the Superbowl. Gronk was composed. He thoughtfully answered each question with similar answers; he just tried to help the team any way he could and make sure he was prepared when called upon He did not dwell on the past and tried to focus on the present and what he and the team can control going forward.
When I am working with my clients, I help them learn from the past, heal what needs to be healed, and then move on to what he or she can control today and what are his or her goals going forward.
This past Tuesday was the funeral for my father, Angelo. He had been ill for some time so his loss should not have been surprising. In the past, whenever he had been ill, he demonstrated incredible resilience and seemed to bounce back from various ailments, not unscathed, and certainly slowed down, but bounced back nonetheless. This most recent illness was different. He needed surgery for excruciating back pain which triggered an onset of other serious illnesses.
On the final night before he died, my father was surrounded by his children and several grandchildren, all of us letting him know that he was not alone and that he was loved. In my words to him, I struggled to tell him that it was okay to let go if he wanted to, that we were okay and that we would take care of mom. At the same time, I wondered if he was afraid of leaving us and I told him that I would go with him. Angelo did not look afraid. He looked at me and I wondered what he was thinking. I believe that he did not want to see any of us in pain. He wanted and wants us to be happy and to love each other and to be good people.
In previous days, and in the days ahead, I know that I will experience various degrees of grief. Losing a parent is a game changer. It is a big deal. However, there are many blessings I have experienced in the process. My family and I have been close and supported each other through this process. I have rediscovered who is truly important in my life. I was able to see people I have not seen in some time. I have learned more about my father and his life. My faith in God has deepened. I also realized that time spent with family, friends, doing enjoyable work, and being good to others are truly important things to my father Angelo and I now realize they are to me as well.
A kind coworker recently gave me a booklet called “Gone from my Sight: The Dying Experience” written by Barbara Karnes, RN. She found it comforting in a time of grief and thought to share it with me. It was comforting, and has helped me make more sense of my father’s passing and where he was headed. In the booklet was this poem:
I am standing upon the seashore.
A ship at my side spreads her white sails
to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean.
She is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch her until at length
she hangs like a speck of white cloud
just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.
Then someone at my side says:
“There, she is gone!”
“Gone where?”
Gone from my sight.
That is all.
She is just as large in mast and hull and spar
as she was when she left my side
and she is just as able to bear the load
of living freight to her destined port.
Her diminished size is in me, not in her.
And just at the moment when someone at my side says:
July 4th represents the freedom that both citizens and non citizens have who live in the United States. Our forefathers fought politically and militarily to give us this freedom. Many men and women, prior to our existence, made various sacrifices to allow us to have the freedom we now enjoy. Even those in this country who live in poverty enjoy a level of wealth and freedom unheard of or undreamed of in other parts of the world.
Freedom is a human need, not a want. A need! Freedom is defined as the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint.
We all have more control of our lives than we realize.
There are 2 types of control; internal locus of control and external locus of control.
A person with an internal locus of control believes that he or she can influence events and their outcomes, while someone with an external locus of control blames outside forces for things that go wrong. This concept was brought to light in the 1950’s by psychologist Julian Rotter.
A person with an external locus of control is more likely to believe that his or her fate is determined by chance or outside forces that are beyond their own personal control. This strategy can be healthy sometimes. Like when dealing with failure or disaster, but can also be harmful in that it can lead to feelings of helplessness and loss of personal control. It is clear that we need to focus as much as we can on our internal locus of control.
Here’s my question for you this month; What can you do this week to have more freedom?
Empowering people to be more resilient and hopeful is my passion. I am a graduate of Boston Latin Academy high school. I also have an undergraduate degree in Criminal Justice from Southern Vermont College and then earned a graduate degree (M.Ed.) in Rehabilitation Counseling with a certificate in advanced graduate studies (CAGS) in Mental Health Counseling at UMASS Boston. I have been a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in Massachusetts since 2004 and a Licensed Alcohol and Drug Counselor in Massachusetts since 2008.
Empowering people to be more resilient and hopeful is my passion. I am a graduate of Boston Latin Academy high school. I also have an undergraduate degree in Criminal Justice from Southern Vermont College and then earned a graduate degree (M.Ed.) in Rehabilitation Counseling with a certificate in advanced graduate studies (CAGS) in Mental Health Counseling at UMASS Boston. I have been a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in Massachusetts since 2004 and a Licensed Alcohol and Drug Counselor in Massachusetts since 2008.