Have you ever been stuck between at least two different positions and felt paralyzed and unsure what to do? I know I have. Tony Robbins once said that being indecisive is emasculating. Most decisions can be reversed but we’re so afraid of making the wrong decision that we don’t do anything. Once we make a decision, we are automatically free.
There are three main pillars that I help create with each of my clients;
1) We build a relationship and trust. I help awaken them by joining in the truth.
2) We create meaning from whatever is going on with ie. where did this come from?
3) I help clients learn new ways of being by teachnig them skills and encouraging them to take action.
Being asked powerful questions by someone who cares can cause a major shift in one’s thinking and doing which can enhance all three of the above sections. When coaching or counseling clients who are stuck, I often ask powerful questions that require a thoughtful answer instead of a yes or no response, a question that prompts the person being asked to feel inspired. Here is an example; “What is the most honorable thing to do in this situation?” Deep down, when we ask ourselves that question, we know the answer.
Recently. I was working with a young man who, after 6 years, was deciding whether or not to leave his girlfriend or propose to her to get married. We had six sessions in which our discussions focused primarily on how my client could not make a decision. I was starting to get a bit frustrated as I did not think I was helping this client move the needle. I reviewed some coaching techniques in between sessions and came back with a different focus and strategy for our work.
In our next session, I really drilled down with my client and talked to him about honor and asked him what he thought was the honorable thing to do in this situation.. He concluded that leading his girlfriend on was not honorable. Staying with her but being unfaithful was dishonorable. Committing 100% to the relationship was honorable. Also, letting his girlfriend go if he truly did not love her was honorable as it would then allow both of them to heal and find themselves and eventually find a partner if that is what each of them wanted. Two sessions later, my client told me he was ready to propose to his girlfriend. He was saving money for an engagement ring! All along, Tom had the answer inside of him. He just needed support and to be chalenged a little so as to help make a decicion.
In my own life I have received quality coaching and counseling that helped me get unstuck. Every decision we make has a consequence. It will open one door but close another. I found it helpful for myself to keep the faith, trust myself and use supports. “Closed doors are a test of our faith. Keep moving forward, being your best, living with determination and faith. When you do, you’ll see amazing changes all around you.”
A couple of weeks ago, I ran the Falmouth Road Race for a charity, the American Red Cross. I had thought about doing this race for several years but kept procrastinating or psyching myself out. I would say things to myself like “7 miles is too far. The drive to the Cape is too far. If I run for a charity, I’m not good at raising money, how will I do that?”
This year was different. I decided to commit myself to doing this and seeing the results through. I had a great time! There were people there to support me. I raised a little bit of money for the charity, and the weather was great. It felt gratifying running down the roads and up the hills, seeing people on either side of me cheering us runners on. I listened to music as well, which enhanced the overall experience. I felt connected with my Higher Power. I felt both blessed and grateful.
Is there something you would like to try but have held off from doing? I have learned personally and professionally to try to honor these urges. Just do it. This is important for us to stay young in our minds and souls. What works for you?
Many of my clients have gone through dark times. My job is to help them feel hopeful and inspired. To walk them through those dark clouds and step into the sun. One sure fire way is to get physical and keep moving. Another way is to become grateful.
Last month, John Bradshaw died. He was the author of #1 New York Times Best Selling Book, HEALING THE SHAME THAT BINDS YOU, It was written years ago with millions of copies sold and is still selling more than 13,000 copies every year. In it, Bradshaw shared his struggles overcoming an abusive childhood and his own battle overcoming alcohol addiction Back in early 2014, my friend Martin gave me this book as I was going through my separation and impending divorce. He offered the book without me asking his help. Martin offered what he could. This is what good friends do. From reading this book along with several other personal development and healing steps, I realized I had nothing to feel shameful about and not nearly as much as I should of in terms of what to feel guilty about. Whatever I do wrong, I apologized and tried to make changes. Shame means I am bad. Guilt means I did something bad. Big difference. Shame is debilitating but guilt serves a purpose; it can cause us to make necessary changes in our behavior and become better versions of ourselves. A sure fire sign of pathology in a person is when he or she assumes no personal responsibility for his or her behavior and who does not have the capacity to feel guilt at all. “Shame is the motivator behind our toxic behaviors: the compulsion, co-dependency, addiction, and drive to super-achieve that breaks down the family and destroys personal lives. It limits the development of self esteem and causes anxiety and depression, and limits our ability to be connected in relationships.” Many of my clients are professional males who feel both guilt and shame. As a result, many of them turn to drugs, alcohol and or pornography. However, these activities perpetuate guilt and shame. One of my clients, “John”, a successful architect who had been divorced, had a recent series of unhealthy relationships with women including one who was unfaithful to him and treated him poorly. As a result, John was turning more to alcohol and porn as a way of coping with feelings of both shame and guilt. During their arguments, she often framed their problems as it being John’s fault. This caused John to increasingly doubt himself and feel both guilt and shame. He was starting to wonder if the failed marriage were all his fault and as a man was he unable to make and keep healthy relationships with women. I helped John sort out what was going on and eventually John was able to set boundaries and eventually ended the relationship. During our work, I recommended the Bradshaw book which he did read and did find useful. At the conclusion of our work, John reported having more peace of mind, less guilt and no shame. At our work’s conclusion, John was dating again and feeling better about himself. The work of John Bradshaw has been a great catalyst for many to overcome their pain and have happier futures.
Prior to switching to full time private practice in 2011, I worked full time for 5 years at Saint Elizabeth’s Medical Center in Brighton, MA. I was both privileged and blessed to work with talented people and directly influence the quality of lives of the outpatient clients, the detox patients and the loved ones of these addicts. It’s this last part of my job that I became increasingly interested and passionate about. In my time private practice, I have continued to have this interest and passion. I will frequently use the word addict through this article to describe anybody who is actively drinking or drugging. I am not referring to the person is working towards getting better mentally, physically and spiritually. The following is a retooled version of a handout I created and passed out while working at the hospital;
How can loved ones of addicts make things worse? Loved ones usually have the best intentions. However, their approach to assisting the addict is often misguided. Two buzzwords to describe this are codependency and enabling. If a person is codependent with the addict then his or her identity is wrapped around the illness, making it difficult for both parties to have healthy separation and growth i.e. the spouse who is the caregiver and chief target of abuse by her husband. Enabling an addict unknowingly makes it easier for the addict to continue to use alcohol or other drugs. We all learn by natural consequences. When enabling takes place, natural consequences are missing and learning opportunities are lost.
How can loved ones transcend from codependency and enabling?
Here are 3 of the most common types of enabling;
The Silent Sufferer i.e. letting the addict steal money and not calling the police, looking the other way and hoping that this will change on their one. They don’t.
The Messiah or Savior i.e. making excuses to others for the addict, doing the addict’s chores, setting up treatment, paying for it and driving the addict around even though the addict is resisting every step of the way. Free housing and financially supporting the active addict are 2 more examples.
The Conspirator i.e. buying alcohol and or other drugs for the addict so as to keep him happy and comfortable. Using substances with the addict is another example.
Ultimately, as I see it, there are necessary 2 goals to have and work towards;
1) Become loving and supportive but from the sidelines and let the costs or natural consequences, which are learning opportunities fall onto the addict and not you.
2) Reclaiming the loved one’s self esteem and identity
The following are ways to do that;
* Al Anon; 1-508-366-0556
* Codependent No More book by Melody Beattie
* Marriage and Family Therapy; check http://www.mamft.org for MA providers
* Section 35; legal tool requiring addict to get into treatment, check with your local courthouse for more details
* Learn2Cope.org; support group and website
* Families Anonymous.org
* Coda.org
* Facing Codependence book by Pia Mellody
* Don’t Let Your Kids Kill You by Charles Rubin
* Addiction Recovery: A Family’s Journey by Diana Clark (Author)
“Don’t wish it was easier, wish you were better. Don’t wish for less problems, wish for more skills. Don’t wish for less challenge, wish for more wisdom.”
— Jim Rohn
There has been much said about the power of goal setting but not always in the same breath as when speaking of overcoming adversity or becoming more resilient. Adversity, is part of life. We all experience challenges, some more than others. However, none of us can live a rich full life without experiencing some pain. Life is not fair at times and that is simply the way it is. Like a ship caught in a storm, we can get tossed and spun about leaving us like a ship without a rudder. However, like all of the great mariners of yesteryear, who followed the North Star in the sky in order to get to where their destination was, we can be the same way.
Whenever I work with a client, together we will create a treatment plan in which we identify what the issues are, what the major goals are and what is the plan of action to accomplish these goals. We update this plan every 3 months or as needed. The following is an exercise I learned from listening to Brian Tracy, best selling author and professional speaker who has helped over 5 million people achieve their goals. Write down your top 5 major definite goals to be achieved this year. Write them down each day for the next thirty days. Slowly your life will change because your focus will change and you will begin get closer to the achievement of your goals.
Recently I’ve been reading the late great Dr. Wayne Dyer’s autobiography I Can See Clearly Now. In it, he described various experiences he encountered and how each of them helped shape his character and helped find his purpose in life. Dyer described his experiences of being raised in an orphanage and having an abusive alcoholic father who abandoned his wife and children as being of vital importance to Dyer’s later success as a prolific speaker, writer, teacher, and healer.
When facing adversity of any kind, it is important to have hope that we can take what we need from a situation and let go of the rest. My most important goal is to instill my clients with hope, so they can affect positive change for a better future.
I work with my clients to create significant meaning from an adverse situation, to find out what they learned, how they got wiser or stronger. In my own life during difficult times, I’ve needed to learn how to change my perception of what was going on.
In my private counseling practice, I work with my clients to change the meaning of whatever has caused them pain. It does not always happen right away. And that’s okay for awhile. Humans are not robots who can flip a switch and be all unicorns and sparkly horses. There is time needed to heal.
However, with a little bit of time and with some tools and trusted supports, we can start to change our perspective. One way to do this is through asking ourselves uplifting questions i.e. “What if this was a blessing in disguise? How would I feel then?” Dr. Joe Vitale, creator of The Law of Attraction, uses “What if” questions. What if this were perfect? What if this was supposed to happen? How would we then feel? The late Dr. Wayne Dyer used to ask “What if this were perfect?” related to a painful situation. I often listened to his audio presentations as I was figuring out how to deal with my separation and divorce.
I know asking ourselves these sorts of questions may feel strange but the point of it is to challenge our perceptions. What has caused pain is not what hurts most. What hurts most is our belief about what caused it. I don’t expect us to do this well at first. I know I didn’t. It is natural to experience pain at first when something goes wrong in our lives. However, at some point, we must recognize that we deserve to feel better. I believe that by asking ourselves healing and hopeful questions, even if we don’t want to at first, is a direct way to access much more joy, healing and growth.
Empowering people to be more resilient and hopeful is my passion. I am a graduate of Boston Latin Academy high school. I also have an undergraduate degree in Criminal Justice from Southern Vermont College and then earned a graduate degree (M.Ed.) in Rehabilitation Counseling with a certificate in advanced graduate studies (CAGS) in Mental Health Counseling at UMASS Boston. I have been a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in Massachusetts since 2004 and a Licensed Alcohol and Drug Counselor in Massachusetts since 2008.
Empowering people to be more resilient and hopeful is my passion. I am a graduate of Boston Latin Academy high school. I also have an undergraduate degree in Criminal Justice from Southern Vermont College and then earned a graduate degree (M.Ed.) in Rehabilitation Counseling with a certificate in advanced graduate studies (CAGS) in Mental Health Counseling at UMASS Boston. I have been a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in Massachusetts since 2004 and a Licensed Alcohol and Drug Counselor in Massachusetts since 2008.