January 1st marks a time of the year when we think of new beginnings and the start of a new chapter in the book called our lives. It is an opportunity to have a clean slate and turn our lives in a different direction and make a plan for a better future.
We cannot change the past but we can learn from it. What went well for you in 2015? What did not go well? What did you learn about yourself? What do you want to do differently in 2016?
In my work with clients, I teach them the importance of self acceptance. Forgiving ourselves for things we did or failed to do is vital for strong emotional well being. We all do the best we can with our given skill sets at the time. One way to turn the page and start over is through goal setting.
What are your 2016 goals? Brian Tracy, human achievement guru, has long advocated that we write down our top 5 major definite goals each day. I do this most mornings and have found that, I have achieved much more than if I were to not write down my goals.
He also believes that we should have goals in each of the following areas of our lives;
What goals; Business/Career/Financial
Why goals; Family/Personal/Health
How Goals; Self Improvement personally and professionally
I challenge each of us to write down our top 2-3 goals daily in each of these areas.
let me know later this year how you are doing with your goals.
I hope each of you has a productive yet peaceful 2016.
Peace is defined as freedom from disturbance; quiet and tranquility. calm, restfulness, peace and quiet, peacefulness. It is the freedom from or the cessation of war or violence. It is law and order, lawfulness, order, peacefulness, harmony, nonviolence.
Goodwill is a friendly, helpful, or cooperative feeling or attitude. It is benevolence, compassion, goodness, kindness, consideration and charity.
Islam, and Judaism, is also related to concepts of justice and morality in behavior between people. It is kind or forgiving treatment of someone who could otherwise be treated harshly. It is showing kindness or help given to people who are in a very bad or desperate situation.
The Catechism of the Catholic Church emphasizes the importance of the Works of Mercy and in Roman Catholic teachings, the mercy of God flows through the work of the Holy Spirit. Mercy is so important and desperately needed in our world, that Pope Francis proclaimed a Special and Extraordinary Holy Year Jubilee Year of Mercy, from December 8, 2015 until November 21, 2016.
Never before has there been more violence and evil perpetuated in the world. We often hear of terrorism taking place throughout the world. but on a smaller scale, we hurt one another everyday with a lack of empathy, compassion and mercy. Our words and actions, if guided by indifference or negativity, can hurt others deeply.
In my counseling practice, I often teach the importance of having empathy and compassion towards others and with one’s self. Empathy is the capacity to understand or feel what another person is experiencing from within the other person’s frame of reference. Having empathy, in my opinion, allows us to demonstrate more peace, goodwill, and mercy towards others.
The world needs more peace, goodwill and mercy. What small steps can we take towards offering others empathy, mercy and goodwill during this season? Something as small as a smile can have a positive impact on someone’s day. Wishing each of you a peaceful holiday season.
“Every person needs to take one day away. A day in which one consciously separates the past from the future. Jobs, family, employers, and friends can exist one day without any one of us, and if our egos permit us to confess, they could exist eternally in our absence. Each person deserves a day away in which no problems are confronted, no solutions searched for. Each of us needs to withdraw from the cares which will not withdraw from us.”
Maya Angelou had it right. We all need to take a break from life sometimes in order to charge our batteries. In our busy western culture, it can be quite difficult for men and women to slow down and take a time out. Due to economic challenges, childcare duties and inflexible work schedules, it can feel as though taking a day for oneself, let alone a few, can seem impossible. However, both emotionally and financially successful people recognize that it is imperative to step back from life periodically. We all think that we are indispensable. Is that really true? Can’t we check out even one day? There are many people who are successful financially who are able to take nights and weekends off to spend with loved ones or themselves. Proper rest allow for a refreshed mind and body, contributing to creativity and motivation.
Strategically timed retreats, vacations and even day trips are vital for emotional well being. One definition of a retreat is “an act of moving back or withdrawing.” I myself have taken short 2-3 day retreats throughout Massachusetts. One favorite site of mine is in Cohassett, MA at St. Joseph’s Retreat Center. The house is right next to the ocean. The time there is spent in silence. These can be guided or unguided experiences meaning there can be interaction with the staff for spiritual direction or the person on retreat can do his or her own thing. Spiritual direction consists of meeting with someone trained to discuss matters of faith. The costs vary from site to site but I have never paid more than 250 dollars for these experiences. The return on investment has been priceless. Checking out retreatcenter.com is a great way to find the retreat site of your choice.
In conclusion, we all need to recharge ourselves mentally, physically and spiritually regardless of our profession. A retreats can be viewed as a mini vacation. There are numerous secular and spiritual retreat centers in Massachusetts. One would be surprised how little it costs to go on a retreat. A retreat can be renting a hotel room for a couple of days, bringing with you an inspirational book to read or camping overnight. Perhaps it can be a day trip. I think that whatever the experience, it should be done alone so that you have an opportunity to think, pray, read, write and or meditate.
Here are some advantages for taking a retreat:
1) Get more perspective: It is an opportunity to get perspective and see where we are and where are we headed.
2) Cultivate your spiritual side: For those believing in a higher power, it is an opportunity to speak with one’s creator. Being in touch with nature is an awesome way to cultivate one’s spirituality.
3) Get inspired and motivated: When we recharge our batteries we come back refreshed. It can allow us to do some goal setting.
4) You are treating your body as a temple: Some retreats offer massage. I got great sleep and ate well. Food is important to me:) I also had opportunities to do some walking along the beach.
5) Better appreciation for what you have: It’s a chance to count our blessings i.e. spouse, house, pet, children, etc.
For the month of November, my call to action for you is to set aside 1-3 days where you go on a retreat or spend time alone in nature. You’ll be happy you did.
Recently, I did an impromptu 10 mile road race. At some point earlier that week, I got the idea to do the race; I believed I needed it. On race day, I was still compelled to run despite the hour-and-half drive from my home and the rainy, overcast, muggy weather. On the way to the race, I used my GPS, and I got lost. Not a good start.
When I arrived, I noticed a group of runners running in from the high school and not the middle school where I was parked. I was then embarrassed. The race director and staff were supportive, got me registered, gave me a bib number, and pointed me in the right direction.
Typically, I average a 10:30 per mile pace and was on that pace for about the first 4.5 miles. In fact, at one point, I passed three runners. However, somehow by mile 5, I got fatigued, and my legs felt heavy. I ended up with an average time of about 14.5 minutes per mile. Similar to the weather, getting lost and being late, my race time was not the mark of a good day. I finished the race but was not happy with my results.
Another recent emotional, and times physically difficult experience, was this summer when, in court, I finalized my divorce. As with the road race, there was nothing easy about the day. And I realized again, sometimes in life, the only thing one can control is attitude. This was true as I dragged my heavy legs to the finish line of that race, just as it was true as I sat in court and ended my marriage.
Divorce was never my first choice. I struggled with this for some time. My marriage was a relationship I desperately wanted to save. However, in order for me to be the best version of myself, divorce was my only option. And I came away from the experience with gratitude and forgiveness, and a belief that I am now a better person overall.
With both experiences, I am better having gone through the hard parts. For having run the hard miles and the hard emotional challenges. It is said that adversity builds character but I believe it is more accurate that adversity reveals character. I hope that has been true for me. Friends have said I showed strength of character throughout this transition. And that feels good to hear. All I know is that I did the best I could.
In my Counseling and Coaching services with my clients, I often speak about resilience, the ability to bounce back from adversity. Another form of resilience is sometimes referred to as post traumatic growth or steeling effects wherein adversity leads to better functioning , much like a vaccination give one the capacity to cope well to future exposure to disease. Resilience is most commonly understood as a process.
Resiliency can be learned. The following are some methods for building your resiliency muscles:
Have a healthy support system. Surround yourself with high-quality people who care about you. A life coach, psychotherapist, close friend, clergy person, or special family member are all examples of good support systems.
Have a sense of humor. Don’t forget to laugh at yourself and life in general. When we let go of our own importance we can then laugh at ourselves. Watch funny movies. You tube has some great videos. Try not to take things too seriously, take a break from the intensity sometimes.
Remember the mind and body connection. What we do or don’t do with our bodies is directly correlated to how we feel. 7-8 hours sleep per night, eat well, and try to get try to get moderate exercise, especially outdoor time . Sunshine is a great healer.
Develop a sense of spirituality. Studies show that people who acknowledge a higher power are happier than those who don’t. Organized religion, being in nature, praying, meditating, music and reading scripture can all be ways of cultivating our spirituality.
Learn how to reframe. Reframing is at the heart of resilience. It means looking at something from a different perspective. We do this by asking better questions. When dealing with pain, ask questions such as “What else can this mean” or “What’s perfect about this?” These questions will elicit healthier responses and outcomes vs. “Why me?” or “Why am I cursed?”
Having to deal with a challenge like divorce or, on a smaller scale, a tough 10 mile road race, is painful. However, with the right attitude, these experiences can teach valuable life lessons. Change is a growth opportunity. Sometimes we change because we have to. Tony Robbins says that people change more readily when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing. “I have to change” is more powerful than “I want to change.” In my own life, while going through divorce, I changed because I had to. It was too painful to go back and too painful to stay the same. But, now, I am happier, stronger, and more resilient.
Empowering people to be more resilient and hopeful is my passion. I am a graduate of Boston Latin Academy high school. I also have an undergraduate degree in Criminal Justice from Southern Vermont College and then earned a graduate degree (M.Ed.) in Rehabilitation Counseling with a certificate in advanced graduate studies (CAGS) in Mental Health Counseling at UMASS Boston. I have been a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in Massachusetts since 2004 and a Licensed Alcohol and Drug Counselor in Massachusetts since 2008.
Empowering people to be more resilient and hopeful is my passion. I am a graduate of Boston Latin Academy high school. I also have an undergraduate degree in Criminal Justice from Southern Vermont College and then earned a graduate degree (M.Ed.) in Rehabilitation Counseling with a certificate in advanced graduate studies (CAGS) in Mental Health Counseling at UMASS Boston. I have been a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in Massachusetts since 2004 and a Licensed Alcohol and Drug Counselor in Massachusetts since 2008.