Prior to switching to full time private practice in 2011, I worked full time for 5 years at Saint Elizabeth’s Medical Center in Brighton, MA. I was both privileged and blessed to work with talented people and directly influence the quality of lives of the outpatient clients, the detox patients and the loved ones of these addicts. It’s this last part of my job that I became increasingly interested and passionate about. In my time private practice, I have continued to have this interest and passion. I will frequently use the word addict through this article to describe anybody who is actively drinking or drugging. I am not referring to the person is working towards getting better mentally, physically and spiritually. The following is a retooled version of a handout I created and passed out while working at the hospital;
How can loved ones of addicts make things worse? Loved ones usually have the best intentions. However, their approach to assisting the addict is often misguided. Two buzzwords to describe this are codependency and enabling. If a person is codependent with the addict then his or her identity is wrapped around the illness, making it difficult for both parties to have healthy separation and growth i.e. the spouse who is the caregiver and chief target of abuse by her husband. Enabling an addict unknowingly makes it easier for the addict to continue to use alcohol or other drugs. We all learn by natural consequences. When enabling takes place, natural consequences are missing and learning opportunities are lost.
How can loved ones transcend from codependency and enabling?
Here are 3 of the most common types of enabling;
The Silent Sufferer i.e. letting the addict steal money and not calling the police, looking the other way and hoping that this will change on their one. They don’t.
The Messiah or Savior i.e. making excuses to others for the addict, doing the addict’s chores, setting up treatment, paying for it and driving the addict around even though the addict is resisting every step of the way. Free housing and financially supporting the active addict are 2 more examples.
The Conspirator i.e. buying alcohol and or other drugs for the addict so as to keep him happy and comfortable. Using substances with the addict is another example.
Ultimately, as I see it, there are necessary 2 goals to have and work towards;
1) Become loving and supportive but from the sidelines and let the costs or natural consequences, which are learning opportunities fall onto the addict and not you.
2) Reclaiming the loved one’s self esteem and identity
The following are ways to do that;
* Al Anon; 1-508-366-0556
* Codependent No More book by Melody Beattie
* Marriage and Family Therapy; check http://www.mamft.org for MA providers
* Section 35; legal tool requiring addict to get into treatment, check with your local courthouse for more details
* Learn2Cope.org; support group and website
* Families Anonymous.org
* Coda.org
* Facing Codependence book by Pia Mellody
* Don’t Let Your Kids Kill You by Charles Rubin
* Addiction Recovery: A Family’s Journey by Diana Clark (Author)
Empowering people to be more resilient and hopeful is my passion. I am a graduate of Boston Latin Academy high school. I also have an undergraduate degree in Criminal Justice from Southern Vermont College and then earned a graduate degree (M.Ed.) in Rehabilitation Counseling with a certificate in advanced graduate studies (CAGS) in Mental Health Counseling at UMASS Boston. I have been a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in Massachusetts since 2004 and a Licensed Alcohol and Drug Counselor in Massachusetts since 2008.