How you can overcome guilt AND shame

Last month, John Bradshaw died. He was the author of #1 New York Times Best Selling Book, HEALING THE SHAME THAT BINDS YOU, It was written years ago with millions of copies sold and is still selling more than 13,000 copies every year. In it, Bradshaw shared his struggles overcoming an abusive childhood and his own battle overcoming alcohol addiction Back in early 2014, my friend Martin gave me this book as I was going through my separation and impending divorce. He offered the book without me asking his help. Martin offered what he could. This is what good friends do. From reading this book along with several other personal development and healing steps, I realized I had nothing to feel shameful about and not nearly as much as I should of in terms of what to feel guilty about. Whatever I do wrong, I apologized and tried to make changes. Shame means I am bad. Guilt means I did something bad. Big difference. Shame is debilitating but guilt serves a purpose; it can cause us to make necessary changes in our behavior and become better versions of ourselves. A sure fire sign of pathology in a person is when he or she assumes no personal responsibility for his or her behavior and who does not have the capacity to feel guilt at all. “Shame is the motivator behind our toxic behaviors: the compulsion, co-dependency, addiction, and drive to super-achieve that breaks down the family and destroys personal lives. It limits the development of self esteem and causes anxiety and depression, and limits our ability to be connected in relationships.” Many of my clients are professional males who feel both guilt and shame. As a result, many of them turn to drugs, alcohol and or pornography. However, these activities perpetuate guilt and shame. One of my clients, “John”, a successful architect who had been divorced, had a recent series of unhealthy relationships with women including one who was unfaithful to him and treated him poorly. As a result, John was turning more to alcohol and porn as a way of coping with feelings of both shame and guilt. During their arguments, she often framed their problems as it being John’s fault. This caused John to increasingly doubt himself and feel both guilt and shame. He was starting to wonder if the failed marriage were all his fault and as a man was he unable to make and keep healthy relationships with women. I helped John sort out what was going on and eventually John was able to set boundaries and eventually ended the relationship. During our work, I recommended the Bradshaw book which he did read and did find useful. At the conclusion of our work, John reported having more peace of mind, less guilt and no shame. At our work’s conclusion, John was dating again and feeling better about himself. The work of John Bradshaw has been a great catalyst for many to overcome their pain and have happier futures.