Free Resources

Hope for Loved Ones of those with Addictions

Prior to switching to full time private practice in 2011, I worked full-time for 5 years at Saint Elizabeth’s Medical Center in Brighton, MA. I was both privileged and blessed to work with talented people and
directly influence the quality of lives of the outpatient clients, the detox patients and the loved ones of these individuals with addictions.

It’s this last part of my job that I became increasingly interested and passionate about. In my private practice, I have continued to have this interest and passion.

When I refer to someone with active addictions, I am referring to someone who is actively engaged in the behavior of drinking, drugging, gambling or use of pornography, is unable to stop and the consequences
of the usage is becoming more and more painful.

I am not referring to the person is working towards getting better mentally, physically and spiritually. The following is a retooled version of a handout I created and passed out while working at the hospital:

How Can Loved Ones of Those with Addictions Make Things Worse?

Loved ones usually have the best intentions. However, their approach to assisting the addicted person is often misguided. Two buzzwords to describe this are codependency and enabling. If a person is codependent with the addicted person then his or her identity is wrapped around the illness, making it difficult for both parties to have healthy separation and growth i.e. the spouse who is the caregiver and chief target of abuse by her husband. Enabling an addicted person unknowingly makes it easier for the addicted person to continue to engage in unhealthy behavior.

Unless the person has a major mental illness or brain injury, we all usually learn by natural consequences. When enabling takes place, natural consequences are missing and learning opportunities are lost.

Here are Three of the Most Common Types of Enabling;

The Silent Sufferer i.e. letting the addicted person steal money and not calling the police, looking the other way and hoping that this will change on their one. They don’t.

The Messiah or Savior i.e. making excuses to others for the addicted person doing that person’s chores, calling in sick for the person, driving the addicted person around even though he or she is not trying to get better. Free housing and financially supporting the addicted person who is not trying are 2 more examples.

The Conspirator i.e. buying alcohol and or other drugs for the addicted person so as to keep him happy and comfortable. Using substances with the addicted person is another example.

Ultimately, there are 2 necessary goals for loved ones to in order to heal and to help the addicted person;

1) Become loving and supportive but from the sidelines and let the costs or natural consequences, which are learning opportunities fall onto the addicted person and not you.

2) Reclaiming the loved one’s self esteem and identity

Here is a List of Resources for Loved Ones:

• Al Anon:1-508-366-0556
• Codependent No More book by Melody Beattie
• Marriage and Family Therapy: check www.mamft.org for MA providers
• Section 35: legal tool requiring the addicted person to get into treatment if she is not willing to get help on his own. Check with your local courthouse for more details
• Support group and website: Learn2Cope.org
• Families: Anonymous.org
• Coda.org (Codependent no More)
• Facing Co-dependence by Pia Mellody
• Don’t Let Your Kids Kill You by Charles Rubin
• Addiction Recovery: A Family’s Journey by Diana Clark